Why “should” doesn’t work — and how real transformation begins
As the New Year approaches, a familiar cycle begins.
People make resolutions.
They commit to change.
They promise themselves that this year will be different.
“I should exercise more.”
“I should quit smoking.”
“I should stop procrastinating.”
And for a short time, momentum appears.
Then the old habits return — or reappear in new forms.
The gym visits fade.
The cigarette becomes late-night scrolling.
The drinking habit morphs into compulsive productivity or shopping.
This isn’t a lack of discipline.
It’s a misunderstanding of how change actually works.
The Hidden Problem With “Should”
“Should” sounds responsible, but psychologically it carries a quiet message:
There is something wrong with me as I am.
That message creates internal pressure — not insight.
And pressure doesn’t dissolve habits.
It suppresses them.
When a behavior is forced underground, it doesn’t disappear. It transfers.
That’s why so many resolutions fail in predictable ways:
- quitting smoking turns into snacking,
- stopping drinking turns into workaholism,
- reducing screen time turns into emotional withdrawal.
The behavior changes.
The pattern remains.
As the philosopher Jiddu Krishnamurti once observed, attempting to change behavior without understanding is like redecorating the prison walls.
The environment looks different, but the confinement stays intact.
Lasting change doesn’t come from force.
It comes from clarity.
This difference between force and clarity is explored more fully in Why Control Doesn’t Bring Relief — where we look at how the effort to change ourselves often reinforces the very patterns we’re trying to escape.
Habits Are Not the Enemy
A habit is not a personal failure.
It’s a solution.
Every habit — even the ones we judge harshly — is regulating something:
- stress,
- loneliness,
- boredom,
- anxiety,
- emotional overload,
- lack of meaning.
If a habit truly served no purpose, it wouldn’t persist.
Which means the real question isn’t:
How do I stop this habit?
It’s:
What is this habit doing for me right now?
That shift alone transforms the conversation from self-control to self-understanding.
Why New Year’s Resolutions Rarely Last
Most resolutions focus on outward behavior:
- do more,
- do less,
- stop this,
- start that.
But habits don’t live on the surface.
They live in the nervous system.
When the underlying state remains unchanged, the system will always find another outlet. This isn’t sabotage — it’s self-regulation.
Which is why sustainable change requires a different starting point.
Below are five grounded shifts that support lasting transformation — not just temporary improvement.
1. Replace “I Should” With “I’m Curious”
“Should” closes inquiry.
Curiosity opens it.
Instead of:
- “I should stop doing this,”
try:
- “What’s happening in me right before I do this?”
Curiosity removes the internal battle.
Observation steadies the system.
When a habit is seen clearly — without judgment — it begins to loosen on its own.
2. Track States, Not Just Behaviors
Most habit plans track actions:
- workouts per week,
- cigarettes per day,
- hours slept.
But behaviors are downstream.
Start tracking states instead:
- emotional tone,
- bodily sensations,
- internal narratives.
Notice patterns like:
- I reach for this when I feel rushed.
- I want this when I feel disconnected.
- I crave this when I’m overwhelmed.
You’re not collecting data to fix yourself.
You’re learning how your system communicates.
3. Name the Payoff Honestly
Every habit delivers something.
Relief.
Comfort.
Stimulation.
Control.
A pause.
Pretending there’s no payoff keeps the habit unconscious.
Instead, name it plainly:
- “This gives me a break.”
- “This helps me feel in control.”
- “This distracts me from feeling alone.”
Once the payoff is conscious, the habit no longer needs to operate in secret.
4. Expand Awareness Before Removing the Habit
This is where most resolutions collapse.
People remove the habit first — and only later realize it was holding something together.
A more stable approach:
- expand awareness first,
- let behavior shift as a consequence, not a command.
When awareness increases, the nervous system often releases habits naturally — not because it’s forced to, but because it no longer needs them in the same way.
5. Expect Substitution — and Use It as Information
If one habit fades and another appears, nothing has gone wrong.
Something has been revealed.
Habit substitution simply means:
The root pattern is still asking for attention.
Instead of reacting with self-criticism, return to curiosity:
- What is this new habit regulating?
- What hasn’t been addressed yet?
Each substitution narrows the field.
What Real Change Actually Feels Like
Lasting change is quieter than resolutions.
It isn’t dramatic.
It isn’t performative.
It rarely announces itself.
It often shows up as:
- less urgency,
- earlier noticing,
- quicker recovery,
- losing interest rather than resisting.
These aren’t signs of failure.
They’re signs that awareness is doing the work instead of willpower.
A Different Way to Enter the New Year
The New Year doesn’t require a harsher version of you.
It doesn’t demand stricter rules or more discipline.
It invites a clearer relationship with what’s already happening.
When habits are understood rather than fought, they soften — or dissolve entirely.
Not because you forced them to.
But because you no longer needed them.
The deeper dynamics behind habit change — identity, awareness, and self-regulation — are explored more fully in our book:
Proof That You’re God
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0DKCMR183/
You don’t need a new version of yourself this year.
You need a clearer understanding of the one you already are.
