And Ego Death Is the Story That Keeps People Stuck
Few ideas cause as much confusion — and quiet suffering — as the idea of the ego.
People come to spirituality or self-inquiry already struggling. They’re anxious, depressed, disconnected, or exhausted from trying to hold themselves together. Then they hear a phrase like:
“That’s just your ego.”
At first, it sounds relieving.
There’s a reason for the pain.
There’s something to overcome.
There’s a path forward.
But for many people, this framing doesn’t bring freedom.
It brings a new kind of war.
How “Ego” Became the Enemy
Originally, ego wasn’t a spiritual term at all.
In psychology, it referred to a functional organizing process — the part of the mind that:
- creates continuity over time
- navigates social reality
- integrates memory, sensation, and meaning
- allows a sense of “me” to function in the world
It wasn’t moral.
It wasn’t a problem.
It wasn’t something to destroy.
It was simply part of how human experience organizes itself.
Somewhere along the way, that changed.
The Spiritualization of Ego
As spiritual language entered popular culture, ego took on a new role.
It became:
- the villain of awakening
- the source of suffering
- the thing “in the way”
- the illusion to be eliminated
Instead of describing a process, ego became shorthand for:
“Everything I don’t like about myself.”
Fear? Ego.
Anger? Ego.
Wanting approval? Ego.
Feeling hurt? Ego.
The word stopped pointing to a function and started pointing to a moral failure.
And once something becomes moralized, people try to get rid of it.
Why “Ego Death” Sounds So Appealing
If ego is the problem, then ego death sounds like the solution.
It promises:
- a clean break
- a before-and-after moment
- permanent peace
- an end to inner conflict
For people who are suffering, that promise is intoxicating.
Especially when it’s reinforced by:
- psychedelic experiences
- peak meditative states
- moments of unity or boundlessness
- stories of “awakening”
And to be clear: those experiences can be very real.
What causes confusion is what people conclude from them.
What Actually Happens in So-Called “Ego Death”
During intense experiences — whether through psychedelics, meditation, trauma, or existential crisis — something can collapse very suddenly.
What collapses is not the ego.
What collapses is the sense of being the one in control.
The narrative that says:
“I am doing this.”
“I am managing experience.”
“I know who I am.”
When that story drops, what remains often feels:
- spacious
- peaceful
- connected
- selfless
It’s easy to interpret that as:
“My ego died.”
But what actually happened was disidentification, not destruction.
And disidentification is temporary.
Because identification is functional.
Why the Ego Cannot Die
The ego is not an object.
It’s not a parasite.
It’s not a thing hiding somewhere inside you.
It’s a process — the way experience organizes around a reference point so life can function.
Processes don’t die.
They activate when needed and quiet down when not.
Language requires ego.
Memory requires ego.
Planning requires ego.
Saying “my name is…” requires ego.
Trying to permanently eliminate it is like trying to permanently stop breathing.
What changes with insight is not the presence of ego — it’s the belief that ego is who you are.
That distinction is everything.
The Suffering Created by Anti-Ego Thinking
Once ego is framed as the enemy, people start policing their inner life.
They watch thoughts and ask:
“Is this ego?”
They feel anger and think:
“I shouldn’t be feeling this.”
They notice fear and assume:
“I’m not as awake as I thought.”
Instead of meeting experience, they monitor it.
Instead of presence, they practice management.
Awareness becomes a strategy.
And strategy is still control.
This is why many people feel worse after learning about ego — more tense, more self-critical, more divided.
They’re trying to kill something that was never alive in the way they think.
The Trap of the “Post-Ego” Identity
Ironically, the pursuit of ego death often creates a new identity.
People begin to subtly identify as:
- egoless
- awakened
- beyond self
- no longer reactive
They may speak about illusion, nonduality, or awareness — while quietly defending a new self-image.
The ego didn’t die.
It upgraded.
This is why clarity can start to feel brittle the more it’s used as a position rather than lived openness — a tension explored more deeply in why clarity often feels harder the more we understand.
Why People Feel Like They’re “Failing” After Insight
One of the most painful phases people go through is after a genuine glimpse.
They’ve seen that:
- thoughts aren’t who they are
- identity is constructed
- control is illusory
And yet…
Fear still arises.
Reactivity still happens.
Preferences still exist.
So they conclude:
“I lost it.”
“I’m back in ego.”
“I need another ego death.”
Nothing is wrong.
They’re just misunderstanding what changed.
Insight doesn’t remove human functioning.
It removes the belief that human functioning defines what you are.
There Is No Permanent State
This is one of the hardest things to accept.
There is no final condition where:
- ego never returns
- reactions never happen
- confusion never arises
- suffering never visits
Freedom is not the absence of these things.
Freedom is the absence of identity collapse when they appear.
That’s a quieter, less dramatic kind of freedom — and it doesn’t sell well.
But it’s real.
What Real Integration Looks Like
When insight matures, it doesn’t look flashy.
It looks like:
- reactions happening without self-hatred
- emotions arising without moral judgment
- thoughts appearing without belief
- identity forming without being defended
Ego shows up — and no one panics.
Because no one is trying to get rid of it anymore.
Why People Struggle So Much With This
People struggle here because the spiritual narrative promised something else.
It promised:
- transcendence
- escape
- final peace
- arrival
When those don’t materialize, people assume they failed.
In reality, they were sold a story that doesn’t match lived experience.
The pain comes not from ego — but from expectation.
There Is Nothing to Kill
One of the most relieving realizations is also the most disappointing to the seeking mind:
There is nothing to kill.
Nothing to conquer.
Nothing to eradicate.
Ego doesn’t need to die.
It just needs to stop being mistaken for you.
And that recognition doesn’t happen once.
It happens again and again — more gently each time.
The Quiet Freedom No One Talks About
Eventually, something settles.
Not as a state — but as understanding.
Thoughts still arise.
Stories still form.
Identity still organizes.
But they’re held lightly.
Life becomes workable instead of dramatic.
And the endless project of self-improvement finally loses its urgency.
Final Reflection
The ego is not your enemy.
And ego death is not a finish line.
They’re stories — stories that often keep people striving, judging, and feeling like they’ve missed something essential.
What actually changes is simpler and far less heroic:
You stop believing that what shows up in experience defines what you are.
Nothing dramatic dies.
Something relaxes.
Proof That You’re God doesn’t promise ego death. It points to the quieter recognition that what you are was never inside the story to begin with — which is why no story needs to be destroyed.
Just seen.
And that’s enough.
